I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
