I like my sex mixed with concussions.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
