my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
