First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
