i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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