You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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