the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
