new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
zippers are such a cool invention
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
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