Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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