Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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