Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
the day after is always just damage control
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
