i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
