The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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