The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
