so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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