Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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