Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
