The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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