Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
