I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
