Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
