I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
