Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
