I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
