When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
