I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
