My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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