I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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