I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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