haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
