Can i not drive my cunt home
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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