We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Randomize
