I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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