just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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