Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
