Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
