My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
