why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT