Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
