I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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