Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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