Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
