now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
what day is it and did you see me today?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
