and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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