dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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