Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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