Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
