Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
