Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
