So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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