i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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