Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
