i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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