I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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