it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
