Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
