she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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