like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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