I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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