The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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