He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
