I could make wine with my vomit
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
