She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
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We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
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I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize